The Sack: Volume 1

There's a forty ton sack of shit that pisses me off. I've decided to start dumping that sack onto the ground and picking out the things that I should make public. So, for your enjoyment, here is volume one.

-- Cencorship pisses me off. Why? Well, this subject really tends to get overplayed in the media and shit, but let's just say that to protect early is to endanger later. Which means, if you shelter your kid from everything bad in the world, then later on in life --when he realizes that there is a forty ton sack of shit about to fall on him--he's not going to know what to do! He won't be prepared for it. It's kind of like getting sick. If you never get sick, then you never have any antibodies. Same thing. Why censor? Why?! When the kid figures out how to read lips, he's going to know that John Belushi said "HOly Shit!" and not "Oh Heck!:" So, to the censors, I say go fuck yourself in the ass with a burning cactus.

--Diarrhea pisses me off. For three reasons: The first reason is that it is way to easy to mispell. I think I spell that word differently every time I type it, and I'm actually a quite gifted speller. Second reason? Well, basically, it pisses me off because it's burning liquid shit flying out of my ass at fire-hose intensity. Sometimes, I actually have to check my asshole for third degree burns after a bout with diahrrea. The third reason is that it is a deceptive motherfucker. Sometimes you don't even see it coming. You could be in the supermarket trying to decide which bag of Pizza Rolls to buy, the 45 pack or the 90 pack, and suddenly think that you have to fart. So you walk around the corner to the religious candles section (ever notice that the religious candles section at the grocery store is always in the same aisle as tacos and rice?) and decide to let that fart fly... moments later, you realize that you've shit yourself. Fuck Diareah.

--Casinos piss me off. Here's a life lesson. Don't ever, ever, ever, EVER ... go into a casino. I don't care. Just stay out of the fucking place. Because if you've never been in a casino before, let me just enlighten you. You are a target. They will treat you like you are a customer, but in all actuality, you are a target. They want to take your money. Not just some of it... ALL of it. They want ALL your money and whether you want to think so or not... they will take it. They WILL take ALL of your money.... and they won't even suck your dick for it. I'm sorry but if you're going to take ALL of my money, I had better get a blow job.I don't care if I DID lay it down on a table for you to take, you better get those lips wet.

--Reality TV pisses me off. Especially two kinds of reality shows: one... the kind that lets you into the life of a celebrity. Hulk Hogan had one, for christ's sake. Listen! The idea that it is a celebrity's life we're watching NEGATES the whole REALITY aspect of the concept. Why do I give a fuck what Coolio's kids are doing? Let them be Coolio's kids and let me stay the fuck out of their lives. Number two? The kind that take ACTUAL people and humiliate the hell out of them. Examples... Super Nanny and Extreme Home Makeover. Super Nanny is embarassing as hell to watch because a Non-American woman has to come in and teach these brain-dead Americans how to raise children. The moms get offended because this British Bitch is telling them what to do, and the dad's pissed off because he's on the fucking show in the first place. I would be too! I don't have kids, but when I do...if I can't control them... NOBODY is knowing about it! Super Nanny can suck my cock-a-doodle-doo! The other show... the one that pisses me off the most... out of any show that ever existed... Extreme Home Makeover.... These families suffer a tragedy, and then as if that wasn't sad enough, their house sucks. So then the hosts of the show come in... some of the FAKEST people I have ever seen... and say "Get the fuck out of here....(Excuse me get the heck out of here) we're going to tear your house down and build a new one!" Okay...okay... I know they are only trying to help... but what pisses me off about it is how FAKE they are! They act like they really care about these poor families but you can tell when that guy with the spikey hair (Ty is his name) gets off camera he is a fucking PRICK! I'll bet he's on his cell phone with his assistant between every shot saying things like "Well, I have to be here and do this bullcrap so if I don't have a fucking diet coke in thirty seconds you're finished in this business." Wow I should have saved reality TV for a separate blog because there is just SO more that I could say. "But Kevin, if you don't like it then why do you watch it?" My answer to that question is go fuck yourself.

--Tuna Fish pisses me off? <--- I put the question mark there because in actuality I love tuna fish. It is literally among my top three favorite things to eat. What pisses me off about it is that to every other human being in the world it FUCKING REEKS! I'll admit, the smell it leaves behind is quite reminiscent of a rotten vagina. But, god damn, mix it with Miracle Whip (Lite Miracle Whip so I can be skinny like Ty from Extreme Home Makeover) and it is so delicious! Enough about Tuna Fish... It has officially pissed me off. It is in the sack.

--Parents piss me off. Entire books have been written about raising children. Hell, entire libraries! And what do we have to show for it? Millions and millions of stupid fucking parents. I saw a guy just the other day carrying his kid through Chicago Ridge Mall in a carseat and he had it banging against his leg like it was just a heavy book bag or something. Meanwhile, the kid's neck was snapping every which way. Someone should take that guy and put him in prison for being a fucking idiot. They should remove some of the harmless crimes from the lawbook and replace them with "dumb parent" laws. If you're a dumb parent, like the above asshole, you should do some time in the clink so that you can be surrounded by hundreds of other people whose parents were probably just as stupid as you are. If you wanna give your kid six cookies before bedtime.... then you should get at least six months in the can. Why do you think Super Nanny is such a popular show? Not for sex appeal that's for sure, because that bitch is ugly. No, it's because there are millions of other unfit parents who are all relating to it. Here's a little anecdote... when I was a kid, I set the kitchen garbage on fire by throwing a lit candle away. The reason I threw it away was because I knew I wasn't supposed to have a lit candle, so I thought that burying the evidence was the best option. I know, right? Well, the reason I bring this up in this section was because my mom was in the shower while this was happening, and two year old Kevin Wood had no adult supervision. I'm going to have to give my mom a couple months in prison for that one. Sorry, ma. At least no one got hurt, right?

--Racism pisses me off. Not for traditional reasons, though. Racism pisses me off because it exists at all... or that there has to be a word for it. Listen, folks, I'm not racist. I never have been. But that doesn't mean that I can't notice things about other races. I just happen to get a kick out of it when people of certain races PROVE their own racist stereotypes. If the fact that I think it's funny every time I see a black guy eating fried chicken makes me racist, then I guess I am a racist... lock me up at racist camp. It's not funny at ALL when white people eat fried chicken, although it is funny when we look at our watches and say "Golly gee look at the time." A chinese guy pronouncing the word FEELINGS as "FEERING" is fucking funny and I don't care what you say. It doesn't mean that I HATE them for it. I don't HATE Jewish people for being lawyers... I just find it hilarious when they are! So, I guess the WORD racism pisses me off because it's used to widely. A guy lighting a cross on fire in a black man's lawn... THAT is a racist... not the guy snickering at him when he's buying watermelons at Jewel.

--Disclaimers piss me off. I was going to put a disclaimer on this particular blog...but why SHOULD I? That goes right along with censorship. If I have to WARN you that this might offend you, then doesn't that DEFEAT the purpose? The only reason disclaimers are there is because of the same fucking parents who got the trailer for "Silent Night: Deadly Night" taken off the air in the eighties...and then eventually had the whole movie removed from theatres. It's the same parents who write hate mail to the creators of South Park... it's the same parents who were responsible for Beavis not being allowed to use the word "Fire!" on Beavis And Butthead in the nineties. You know what? Fuck those parents. Here's a disclaimer for you: This world in which your bringing up your children may be full of psychotic perverted racist gay priests but there's nothing you can do to change that so go fuck yourself. I'd like to see what would happen if this blog suddenly became available to children everywhere. Do you realize how many times I've used the word Fuck? Guess what guys... I knew the word "fuck" before I ever heard it in a movie or TV show or rap song. I heard it from my parents.

--Gas pisses me off. Not gasoline. The farting kind of gas.What a horrible fucking thing to have at the wrong time. See an earlier blog of mine called "Three Months Without Farting" ... just sroll down till you find it...and you'll see a bunch of stuff I wrote about farting while on a date. But no... I'm talking about even worse times than that to be cursed with gas. Job interviews, funerals, church services, the fucking checkout line at Walgreens, on a submarine, on the bus, during the dramatic silence part of a film at the movie theatre, during an MRI, ... the list could go on forever. . . so gas pisses me off because it is considered rude to USE IT WHEN YOU HAVE IT! Case closed on that nonsense... fuck.

Well, congratulations, you made it all the way through volume one. Perhaps volume two will hold your interest... There could be a whole book that comes out of this, actually... maybe then I can sell one or two copies because nobody fucking reads anymore. So congratulations for making it this far. Impatience pisses me off. So good for you.