The Complete Idiot's Guide to Sucking

Congratulations. By reading this blog entry, you have taken the first step toward sucking. Also, by clicking in, you have full-heartedly admitted that you are indeed the complete idiot mentioned in the popular title phrase.

Now that those two things have been established, we can finally begin our exciting journey into the world of extreme suckage. There are several ways to suck. You can suck at anything you want-- so long as you believe in yourself enough to put forth your very best effort. Following is a list of activities. Paired with each activity is a detailed description of how to suck your best at each.

--COLONOSCOPIES--

Try not to get anywhere near the colon. You may want to probe around in the intestines or the stomach, but to really suck at performing one of these babies, the colon can NOT have anything to do with it. Wiggle your fingers in strange places and ask the patient "Does that feel like your colon?" If executed properly, this technique pratically guarantees suck-cess.

--COTTON CANDY VENDING--

If it tastes good, you're doing it wrong. If people keep approaching you to tell you how wonderful and tasty your cotton candy is, then I think you and I can agree that it's time to head back to the drawing board. Fear not, though friend, because I am here to help. The secret to sucking at this is so simple that you're going to punch yourself in the genital region when I tell you. It's simple. For more revolting cotton candy... just add mayo. Are you done punching yourself? Good. Get back to the fair and sell your new stuff.

--BUILDING LIFEBOATS--

The more holes the better. When constructing the boat, keep in mind that the purpose of the vessel is to lead innocent victims to safety. So seepage and sinkage are vital to suckage. Everyone's got an old decrepit shed in their backyard---and if they don't they know someone who does. Just use the wood from said structure to make the really important parts of your life-saving device. They'll be screaming about how bad this sucked for the next century, I guarantee it.

--RAP VIDEOS--

Absolutely no bitches. No hoes, either. We're talking depth, friends. If you want to make a rap video that sucks beyond all others, you have to give it some depth. We need mountains, and quite possibly amber waves of grain accompanied by a few birds, maybe. Friendly and rural is the key. Also, women should be portrayed in the most respectful nature possible. If your rap video looks like this, then I'd say you already suck at it.

--CHANGING POOPY DIAPERS--

It's easy to suck at this. First, remove the soiled linen from the baby's bottom and set it aside. Then, carefully use the moist wipe to clean the excess mess and then powder accordingly. After you are finished cleaning your baby, take the same diaper you removed and put it right back on again.

--SEXUAL INTERCOURSE--

Usually, sucking at this means you're a male. So, first, attach a penis to your body. Then, try to place the penis into any opening EXCEPT the vagina. This immediately ensures your partner that you: A. Neglect foreplay altogether and B. suck horribly at sexual intercourse.

--WRITING LETTERS--

A letter can be a delicate thing depending on its content and purpose. For this purpose, we will assume that the letter is a love letter. To suck at this just follow this very simple and fun-to-use template, of course replacing (NAME) with the name of your lover.

Dear (NAME),

I hope you rot in burning fucking hell. There is nothing about you that is appealing, and even if there was it would be eclipsed by the horrible odor that erupts from your mouth when you speak. I've wracked all of your credit cards to buy new (lingerie/dick-hammocks) for all of the other (guys/girls) I plan on fucking tomorrow after work. By the time you read this letter I will have already taken a dump in the front seat of your car. (NAME), our time together will always remind of the way a skunk smells after you run over it with lawnmower in a field full of moldy onions.

Love,

The (guy/girl) you used to fuck.

P.S. I never came. Not once.This is surely the suckiest love letter I have ever read. With a chuckle, just fill in the name of your better half and seal it with a kiss.

--WRITING BLOGS--

Just write this blog.